7 things about Melbourne I find completely wack
I love Melbourne with all my heart. But, and I say this with love, this city is wack.
Sometimes, it doesn’t matter how much intense prep work you do for your trip. You’ll read blogs, you’ll watch YouTube videos, you’ll ask friends—but none of it will match up to experiencing it yourself for the first time and ending up 45 minutes in the opposite direction of your intended destination.
1. Tram stops are in the middle of the road
There is something about exiting the crosswalk mid-way that feels so counterintuitive. And perhaps the real culprit of this confusion are my poor directional skills, but I’m willing to bet I’m not alone here.
I can't tell you how many times I've travelled in the wrong direction because both tram stops are on the same side—in the middle!
Because of all these tram misadventures, I developed a rational fear of taking the tram; in my first three months of living in Melbourne, I turned to Uber and the reliable foot as my main modes of transport.
2. Tram stops are ridiculously difficult to spot
The only indicator of most Melbourne tram and bus stops is a pole. One that is relatively thin and so easy to miss (not pictured). Though, this might just be me being pampered by the luxuries of convenience in Singapore—bus stops are equipped with shelters and benches, so not recognising one would be near impossible.
3. Do you tap on? Do you not tap on? Do I tap off?
Melbourne’s tram system is divided into zones: Zone 1, Zone 2 and the Free Tram Zone. Trams will greet you with posters stating when you don’t need to or should tap off, usually with regards to specific zones. But what are these zones? And what happens if I don’t tap off when I should? None of these answers are clear, often making for a very stressful ride through the city.
And alas, for my unfortunate little wallet, I made the mistake of tapping on in the CBD. My thought process: I don’t need to tap on, but if I do, nothing will be deducted, as it’s the free tram zone—which is not the case.
So take it from my experience: don’t tap on if you’re travelling within the city unless you’re in the mood for tossing $4 on what could have been a free minute-long ride.
If you’re travelling only a stop out of the city (e.g. Crown Casino), you could probably get away with not tapping on at all. But if the myki card inspectors come after you with that $300 fine, please exclude my involvement from the narrative.
4. Keep left to turn right
Anyone who’s driven in Melbourne will tell you that driving in the city is an absolute nightmare. Because the trams take up the middle of the road, cars are required to keep left while signalling right, when they want to make a right turn.
“Keep left to turn right?! Okay.”
“Wait, you don’t have to keep left to turn right here.”
“Huh?! Then when??”
But beyond that, drivers have to be on the lookout because this rule doesn’t apply to every right turn. Yes, it’s just as confusing as it sounds.
5. Birds have zero respect for humans
Indulging in an outdoor meal has been rendered impossible all thanks to the common Melburnian pigeons and seagulls. It could simply be that Singapore’s birds are the uncharacteristically human-fearing ones, but I’ve never encountered an issue quite like this even in other countries.
Either way, one thing holds true: you can’t dine alfresco without having more than 12 birds boldly picking away at your unfinished plate.
So, how are the birds like in Singapore?
For starters, it doesn’t take much for them to leave you dining in peace. And even when they do attempt to hijack your grub, all it really takes is a disapproving glare and a semi-aggressive shhh. If you happen to walk into a flock of birds on the streets, chances are, they will hastily fly away.
In Melbourne, however, birds just casually walk alongside you. They fancy themselves your companion. They are your equal. Dare I say even, lifelong mates.
6. Poppadom costs just $1 at Queen Victoria Market
Just another fact about Melbourne that makes me go “huh???”.
If you’ve lived in Singapore, you’d be familiar with stashing these tall cans of poppadom in your office desk for a cheeky mid-day bite. I distinctly recall mourning what would’ve been a long-term separation from one of my favourite snacks.
Turns out, I didn’t have to get all dramatic as I usually do, because a vendor at Queen Victoria Market (QVM) sells the exact same brand for just a dollar!
The last thing you'd expect is that a predominantly white country sells your favourite Asian snack for cheaper than in your own Asian country.
I was teeming with excitement as I ran home to proclaim the good news of the poppadom to my best friend ‘Alyaa. Listening in on our conversation, her mum then made an extremely good point: What if it’s expired?
While this made a whole lot more sense—and completely true, by the way—I’m in utter disbelief that it never once crossed my mind. One can of poppadom in Singapore costs upwards of $2, yet the same cans being sold at QVM for less than half off somehow didn’t come off to me as dubious.
7. Asian groceries are surprisingly affordable in Melbourne
Before coming to Melbourne, I had the impression that finding Asian groceries here would be a challenge—and a costly one at that. Especially South-East Asian condiments and ingredients that virtually no one else in the world has heard of: kecap manis, chicken rice paste, teh tarik, etc.
Because I’m as kan cheong as they come, I couldn’t help but to stock up on my bak kut teh seasoning when I didn’t need to at all.
You just need to know where to look; every Asian grocery store has a specialty, in which prices and item availability vary according to.
My personal favourite is Laguna QV Supermarket (not a sponsored mention, though frankly, I wish it were), which is tucked away at a little corner in QV. It’s my go-to for when I’m craving South-East Asian snacks like kueh lapis. On the other hand, supermarkets like Tokyo Hometown specialise in Japanese products as their name suggests, while E-mart‘s niche is Korean, which I frequent for cheap bottles of soju.
Conclusion
Take my lamentings with a grain of salt; I’m aware that many of these are from, not just an outsider’s perspective, but a Singaporean’s. Regardless of all the traits that I’ve found to contradict any of my knowledge of the world’s workings, I have a deep love and appreciation for this city. Oh and dear reader, you’d be pleased to know that I’m finally a tram expert after a year! I have a list of my favourite tram routes now, but maybe that’s a story for another time.
